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I am so sick of myself. This class I am taking has me looking at my life from every angle possible and I am tired of thinking about… me. Ugh.

It is June 3rd. I am pretty sure yesterday was April 30th.
May is such a blur and all over the place. Time is such a funny and overwhelming thing to me. I think I have touched on this before. It is amazing to me how 30 days can seems so long and then whoosh.. in a flash it’s just gone. It freaks me out. I am so grateful for photos that prove that something happened and I didn’t just dream it all (or even better, have proof of why I am so exhausted and deserve some chocolate. hee hee).
May started off with a great snow storm.  In self defense, I filled my house with some fantastic friends from the neighborhood and their kids. These woman came armed with leis, margaritas, pink flamingo swizzle sticks and scary napkins with Telly Tubbies on them.

My snow angels!!

These were all great distractions for our spring fever now covered in 18 inches of snow. We sat by the fire all day while the kids ran the neighborhood. It was great. And now 34 days later everything is in bloom, green and thriving because of that dreaded snow that set me off kilter.

 Time. Patience. Perspective. All good lessons.

As I work through this Evolve Class through AIR I am finding that these three elements are ones that I really need to focus on to get to my goals and set up the life I am so itching to put in place.  I just wish that I could stop time for a bit so I can get organized, and focused in one swoop and be done with all of these pieces that are uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and tedious.

But then I would miss the perspectives I gain in my normal life. They are becoming more valuable daily for this shift I am working on. May was packed full of them.. big and small!

In midst of soccer games –WOW! When did he learn to be so good in goal? How his confidence is growing! Wonderful!

Ry making a save. It is easier to watch him in goal through a lens.

At end of school parties –What incredible teachers who pay attention to the whole child and not just test scores! Grateful.

Ms. Betsy guiding Charlie’s Montessori Preschoolers through songs.

Trying to figure out how hard to push a child –Should I make him go back onto the track? He came in dead last in every sprint. Yes, push him- only to have him place 1st and 2nd in long distance races. He is beaming! Proud

Believe it or not, this is at the track meet where Alex lost in everything. He was so happy we were all there.

 A morning snuggle –with my youngest and a pile of books who is on the verge of learning how to read. Such curiosity!


A single glance- from my husband that says I love you. And one back that says I miss you and sorry we haven’t had 5 minutes to have a conversation in weeks. Grounded

Holding my newborn nephew-okay not so much daily normal life, but such an incredible joy and reminder of all that is important and that I really have no regrets (not to say that it was easy either…) having stayed home with my boys. Validation. 

Caring for my child with pneumonia-getting to spend extra time (even just to watch him sleep) with my son who is pushing and pulling and all over the place as he begins to find his own way. Connection.

Last day of school pictures-looking at them side by side with first day. How fast they grow! Bittersweet!

Digging in the dirt-my happy place. All is well here. So grateful for this space to breathe. Peace

Especially during this time in my life when I am reaching, striving and then recoiling and pondering towards a new chapter, it is good to remember that there are lessons at every turn. Choices. And remembering that even as I begin to find small successes with my art as well as falling flat on my face-OUCH!, I am making great connections and growing. The summer before I turned 14, I literally grew 6+ inches in less than 3 months. It hurt and was uncomfortable and awkward. It took a long time to appreciate my new perspective. But I can see over a crowd, never need a step stool, it will take longer for my boys to pass me in height – HA! and the best, I have a tremendous wingspan for big hugs! Growing pains hurt, but the new perspectives are well worth it.

Tonight I began the Evolve class through AIR. It is a six month long class that helps you define a project through the design thinking process. We each had to give a minute and a half pitch of our project. More on what that is later…..I am going to need your help with my interactive homework. YIKES!

Have you seen that commercial for an office store where you can hit the “easy” button and then voila`, all is solved?  Believe me I have come up with a thousand uses for such a magical disk of red plastic; from the simplest of tasks to world peace.

Hit the easy button and a beautiful, organic, fresh dinner appears on my newly built deck that all of my children will love so there isn’t a single whimper at the table.
Hit the easy button and the cancers are cured and millions can take a big deep breath.
Hit the easy button and the smelly, filthy boy laundry is done, folded and put away.
Hit the easy button and my distinctive artist statement is well written telling my love and need of painting without sounding completely cheesy.
Hit the easy button and equality for all is a reality and a normal way of life, end of story.
and on and on.

But we have to go through it.
We have to learn, expand, and open. We have to cry and laugh and even rage through the uncertainty and fears. We have to learn to trust in those we love and who love us back. We have to open up to the support that is all around us. And we have to expand beyond our boundaries to create new opportunities to share with and validate others, even in the midst of impossible days. Going through it, whatever it may be, connects us.

Last week was so surreal for so many reasons. Nationally, locally, and personally. Extreme highs and lows. It was hard to find and clarity and stability. But what I realized is that there are easy buttons all over the place if you are willing to see them.

In a moment of anger, there is a lipstick (easy button) to write on the mirror to say “I am sorry.” making room for forgiveness. Pretty easy.

In a moment of exhaustion, a snow storm (easy button) dumps and a much needed lazy and joyful day becomes guilt free and easy.

When life is spinning and it is impossible to sit still but not able to really focus, cleaning out and purging all of the stuff in the storage room becomes easy.

Coming home to a plastic pink flamingo in the front yard… is an awesome easy button for pure silliness and JOY!

To dropping off boys at school after 6 days of being home and then escorted home by a beautiful golden eagle… AH!!!! Beautiful and stunning easy button for awe and perspective.

It is my hibiscus plant finally blooming when I am itching for spring and a colorful garden again.

What are easy buttons can you find today?

Sitting here trying to catch my breath. I just got the boys off to school and ran from my car to get inside. The wind is whipping, the snow is swirling and it is a lovely 18 degrees on this April 9th morning.

WHAT? Seriously! Did I just write that?

*&^#!!!!!!!!

 I am always homesick for Virginia in April. I day dream of the rosebuds, cherry blossoms, tulips, daffodils, and fields of emerald green that all are promises of lush, dense foliage to come. I am so itching to dig and play in the dirt. Obviously, we are a ways off from that kind of fun here. So today, I am going to take advantage of a quiet house that is picked up and clean enough to ignore and focus on starting to write an artist statement.

WHAT? Seriously.? Did I just write that?

So I will probably go paint first and warm up to that idea.

I called a friend yesterday who is a brilliant artist, by far one of the funniest people I know and has a heart with endless amounts of love and compassion. I had some questions for her as I was heading out to ship off the two paintings I sold last week.

WHAT? Seriously? Did I just write that?

Cool.

Anyway, Barbara was helpful in answering my questions. I thanked her for her time and told her that I feel like I am playing dress up, or house, or doctor or something as I “play artist.” (though, I am taking this process much more seriously and focused than I thought I possibly could) She said that she still feels that way at times and like a poser or fraud.

WHAT? Seriously? Did she just say that?

NO WAY!

I couldn’t believe it as we just finished talking about her opening in Denver next month, that the gallery was coming up to pick up some of her work, etc… and this by far from her first show. Go to her website and see for yourself. She is an accomplished and professional artist and she feels like that, too? Crazy.

But, in her direct way and funny way, she told me it is time to use the word. I felt proud.

artist. ARTist. Artist?

What? Seriously? Can I say that?

I am going to paint.

 It is 2 am and I am waiting for the water to boil for a cup of Sleepytime tea. I have been an insomniac for as long as I can remember. Sometimes, I actually don’t mind it and rather enjoy it. For an introvert, the middle of the night is the ultimate quiet time to be alone and ironically can even feel rejuvenating to have such peaceful time to think. I can remember countless nights growing up in the country, watching the moon glide across the pure darkness. The head of my bed was under a west facing window and as long as I could enjoy the beauty of the endless stars and a dog sleeping on my feet,  I felt a calmness. Tonight however feels restless and frustrating. I know I need some good rest. I feel anxious and a need for time to process this steep learning curve… mountain…I am on. The past two months of putting myself “out there” have been a vulnerable, exciting, scary, skeptical, validating, interesting, and an intense roller coaster ride.. that I hope has just begun (this coming from the girl who has thrown up on her good friend’s feet on a damn ferris wheel).  So much to learn, so much to absorb, so many questions. How can I focus on all of this and focus on my family? I need a switch installed in my brain. Right now, I need to switch it OFF. I am too tired to think clearly.
So I am going to go make a cup of tea. Perhaps go throw rocks at the neighbor’s flood lights… just kidding… I think. And then, go steal a dog off one of the boy’s beds and watch the moon glide westward for awhile. Sweet dreams.

One of my biggest fears is blindness. It is something I can’t begin to comprehend. I don’t trust anyone near my eyes. Not Chris, not my sisters… no one. Going to the eye doctor is a circus show in itself. And ironically enough, one of my not-so-secret dreams is to be a seeing eye dog trainer. I have a whole file that I have been collecting for 18 years. I have a great story that started all of that, but for another day.  Anyway, since I have really begun to put myself, my art and my passions out into the world, I have found myself on a steep learning curve which includes learning a lot about myself. I been forced to admit out loud things about myself that aren’t always comfortable.  I am beginning to see my blind spots… or at least a few of them. And, damn they are hard to keep in focus and bring front and center. Talk about trust! Can I trust myself to open my eyes and see?

Today I began painting with no intention or plan. More like a warm up board. My head was swirling and I couldn’t really make sense of anything. Just keep painting..

 I am getting ready to start the Evolve program with AIR with the hope and determination of getting all of this swirling focused. I have been working on mission statements, goals, introductions etc. I am having to take a good look at where I have been, where I am, and where I want to go and be in 5 years.This is not easy and not something I have ever really done before. I have managed to focus on keeping my hands dirty and avoiding the world (in a career sense) for a long time. Just keep painting….

I wonder what the boys are doing right now… just keep painting.

I have just read the book Quiet by Susan Cain and found a good part of myself explained. Just keep painting…

I love this song! Just keep painting…..

I have met some incredible people in Fort Collins. I am feeling comfortable here. Just keep painting….

Robin’s blog was hilarious and soooo true. … just keep painting.

I miss my Mom. Just keep painting….

Chris called. I asked for support. He said yes. Just keep painting….

I love red. Just keep painting…

Perhaps by keeping my heart open I will be able to open my eyes and see…. not just yet, but perhaps with some focus…eventually.

Blind Spots, self portrait. Oil on Wood. 2013

This is my sister’s response to my post A Place to Stand……
I can’t begin to tell you what a GIFT her words are.

Love you sister,
CC”

Our latest “rose” picture. We have been doing this for 18 years. This is our first with carnations.

What a weekend! I am completely exhausted and yet, I couldn’t sleep last night as my head and heart spin off axis in 20 directions. I spent the weekend as a volunteer at the Air Shift Workshop.  The workshop is a foundation weekend to get people thinking and shifting outside of the box in order to reach their potential and goals (or help to begin to establish what those might be).  The big shift is the combination of getting artists to see the benefit of planning and business skills and having business minds embrace the value that creatives can bring to companies and communities. What is realized through both personal and group exercises is that all of us are creative, all of us have value and skills, and all of us have a heart. When these are combined with hard work and focus, “the sky truly is the limit.”

Art and Business Come Together.

It was amazing to see what unfolded this weekend as all those minds (and hearts) collaborated and worked hard. Not only were powerful and interesting potential projects developed, but also so were new friendships and partnerships. It was so much more than networking.  I watched as people struggled through the uncomfortable tension that collaboration can create. But, as they were guided through facilitation, which had clear guidelines yet centered in the core and intuition of good leaders, their voices were heard and new ideas emerged. And, I should mention lots of smiles, hugs, and laughter were present too! Skills in listening, as well as learning to speak up were both valued and expected giving all a voice.  What is created through the materials and presentations (which is an amazing amount of information) along the encouragement and honesty of the instructors, is a safe place to go outside your comfort zone and reach. It is really inspiring to not only feel this shift taking place myself, but to see it and talk to others who are experiencing the same thing. The light in their eyes is stunning.

Heart Centered

I could sit here all day and write about all of the people I met and talked with, or wish I had after getting just a glimpse into their world. And, I could tell you about the brilliant ideas they came up with, the very different lives they are living and the dreams they have.  I could share the effective lessons and resources that made up the curriculum but perhaps, you should sign up for a workshop yourself and experience this magical weekend first hand.   Check out their website  http://www.airartsincubator.org/  take the tour and let your shift begin. I am getting back to my shift, right after a big nap!

Soaking up sunshine and creative presentations.  People came from Canada, Michigan Wyoming and different parts of Colorado.

About two months after we moved to Fort Collins, my son Ryan came home from school to tell me that his teacher had read about “my” art show in the paper. Completely baffled, I went to the computer to the local newspaper’s website. Sure enough there was a Cat Giglio having an art show downtown that following weekend.

 No way! 

 I couldn’t believe it. It might be a rather common name in New York, but in a small Colorado city, 20 miles from the Wyoming border, not so much. Did she have to spell out her name everywhere she went? Did she get “thank you Ms. Gigolo” (really!) at the grocery store?  I set out to find her. Fortunately for me, she has a wonderful blog (I recommend you go check it out!)  La Dolce Vita, and is on Facebook. I poured over her artwork. Beautiful mixed media pieces, that seem to be made up of layers of her spirit and passions.  Cat creates beautiful,  stunning, romantic, timeless pieces.  So, I sent her a note with a quick explanation of mistaken identity. We emailed back and forth. Not only was she an artist, but incredible gardener and lover of wine and chocolate. So what’s in a name anyway? So many connections!  We agreed to meet up for an afternoon treat at the Chocolate Cafe.  It was so much fun and lovely to meet Cat face to face.  We shared our stories, interests and thoughts. And, of course inquired about our names. She was born Caterina Giglio (and later by marriage added Digison) and I born Catherine Dennison later adding Giglio- and we both go by Cat.  We were meant to be friends.

CATerina Giglio and CATherine Giglio at Chocolate Cafe -2011

She told me she had reconnected with an old love and was soon to be moving to Michigan. We got a good laugh that Fort Collins couldn’t possible handle two Cat Giglios at the same time!  I got to meet up with her once more before she moved, but then missed seeing her this past summer when she was in town. Fortunately through technology, our acquaintance has turned into friendship. I so enjoy watching her art career soar and going along on her travels through her blog. Doors have opened for me because we share the same name. I have slid in on her reputation coat-tails (unknowingly) a few times, only to find out later that someone extended an invite because they thought I was her. When they finally realize their easily made mistake, I can see that familiar lightbulb go off.  And, about once every two months or so when I am out at a local art event, I will get comments like “You aren’t Cat Giglio!” Or, at local stores they read my debit card and do a double take. I then explain and always the store owner has the nicest things to say about CATerina. We still manage to trip people up on Facebook every now and again. Who knows? Perhaps someday, we will do a show together and really make people’s heads spin! 

But until then, go get a glass of wine and enjoy La Dolce Vita ! 

And, CATerina, I am raising my virtual glass of wine to you! Cheers! Salute! Amore!